The last four years of my life have been abundant in lessons and blessings.
In the Spring of 2010 I remember kneeling at church – with my eyes teary and closed – asking God to lead my life.
That very morning – right before entering the church, my ex husband and I had another one of the many arguments.
I was sick and tired of the mood swings, road rage and paranoia. I had cried in the car because I felt lost, I was unhappy with the situation, I felt that I didn’t belong there.
That morning I asked God to give and take away anyone and anything which didn’t belong in the life I was granted to lead.
It had been too long – over 5 years of ups and downs, financial struggles, family misunderstandings and many arguments over stupid stuff such as my shoe marks in the car or touching and moving “his stuff” while I cleaned or how I never took care of “stuff.”
I was also not the nicest version of me – I was unhappy – I slept too little, ate too much, shopped too much, worked too much, cursed too much, worried way too much watched too much TV and forgot about God way too much.
One morning at 3am I saw a job post on Monster.com for a graphic designer position… I had very little intention in applying to that company – I had very valid reasons for it as well. That company had hired me in 2008 and then my job position was shut down… JUST LIKE THAT! Killed!
I was let go before I even began the job! Anyway – today I know it was God’s plan for me to not be there at that specific time.
Because of that job being terminated I was able to learn to design invitations at Blue Tulip.
But I won’t go into that on this post – we’re jumping 2 years later and going back to my life changing events in 2010.
So I was hired. I finally landed a full-time job which the recession didn’t damage as much.
My marriage was BLAH! Promises of change were made and then back to “normal” in two weeks maybe even less. I constantly went to bed with a tornado of worry, anger, depression, emptiness, and other plans rampaging inside my head. I longed a different life. I was tired of walking on glass worried that it may shatter.
I was tired of pretending and making up excuses to my family for my ex’s actions. I was fed up.
I wanted it a new beginning.
Summer 2010 I began playing cupid for one of the sweetest and nicest coworker I’ve ever met.
He was a 37-year-old, light brown, slim man – with Cuban parents, born in Madrid Spain, lived a town away from my hometown, assisted the same Gym I assisted during 2001-2004, loved dancing, very talented DJ, assisted Pratt Institute for graphic design before 911, had the most curly and beautiful eye lashes, sweet smile, a huge appreciation for Beavis and Butthead and Guacamole.
WHAT! How can this guy be single???
I tried to find a girlfriend deserving of such a rare gem among my circle of girlfriends. I really tried.
I got to know him better. He ate Cold Cut Combos and meaty sandwiches while I always ate my Veggie Max from Subway.
I had conversations with my coworker about finding love and how it could be right under your nose and you might not even notice.
How God places the right people in our lives at the right time.
How I would re-marry but only if I fell deeply in love with the man of my dreams.
One night after work while we walked to our cars I told him how I had a feeling he would find his soul mate soon.
“I hope so.” he answered.
Days went by – we got to know each other better. In my mind my coworker longed for a petite Caribbean girl – I was working out and losing weight slowly – hoping to become the right size one day. I remember telling him that If he didn’t have a chica by the time I lose the pounds I want to lose I will ask him out on a date.
He always giggled and gave me shy looks.
Back home I was living with a “friend/roommate” no longer the man I had married. Sometimes I received dirty looks and words of resentment. We didn’t spend much time together anymore. He was working very hard to make ends meet and I felt guilty and angered at the same time because he had lots of potential and education but he didn’t believe he could do any better than that at that point. I felt love for him but only the type of love I give my friends. I didn’t feel any hate and I still don’t. What we once had – was in the past and remained there.
I came and went as I pleased alone – I often did during those years.
One time while chatting with my coworker I told him once again how I wanted to divorce my ex and how scary it was to have the talk… I was afraid to hurt him. I didn’t want to hurt him – but I was hurting myself. I had to end it before it escalated and before he found out that perhaps I had fallen in love with another person.
My coworker encouraged me to take the leap.
I was surprised because he was very serious about it. I said – I wanted to… I had to… I was still scared.
He said don’t worry – “I’m here for you.” I asked him to have patience and his answer was, “I’ve waited a long time, I can wait a little more.”
Simply blew my mind!
We had the talk the next morning.
I packed a bag to keep me for the next two days – I ran to the bathroom and texted my coworker and told him I was ready to have the talk and that I was scared out of my mind. His reply was…It’ll be okay – “I will be praying.”
I went back to the living room began to separate the dirty laundry his pile and my pile – I spoke firmly and told him my reasons for divorce – how we were no longer good for one another. I told him that I knew we could both find happiness else where and that life was not meant to live the way we lived it. That I didn’t want to grow old and bitter or make him grow old and bitter. Took off my rings and gave them back. It was sad and terrifying – he didn’t feel as strongly as I did but he didn’t try to stop me at that point. I asked him if he wanted to keep the apartment and I moved out or the other way around. I told him to take whatever he wanted – that all I wanted was my freedom. He moved out that weekend.
I left the whole weekend slept a few hours in my old crappy car & visited my brother and slept over my parents. It was the weekend that change my life.
To be continued…
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1